When Love Feels Like Survival: Understanding Trauma Responses in Relationships

Sometimes, we find ourselves reacting in ways we don’t fully understand—pulling away from the person we love most, getting angry over something small, or feeling panicked when things are calm. If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why am I like this in relationships?”, know that you’re not alone. And more importantly, you’re not broken.

Many of us are walking into relationships with wounds we’ve never had the chance to tend to. Childhood experiences, past heartbreaks, betrayals, or moments when we didn’t feel safe—these moments live in our nervous system. And when we love, when we let someone in, that old fear of being hurt again sometimes shows up as protection. We call these trauma responses.

Fight, Flight, Freeze… or Fawn

You may have heard of the four common trauma responses—fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. Each of these is your body’s way of saying, “I’m scared. I don’t feel safe. I need to protect myself.”

Fight might look like arguing, getting defensive, or needing to be “right” to feel secure.

Flight can be emotionally withdrawing, leaving conversations, or needing space to regulate.

Freeze might feel like shutting down, going numb, or not knowing how to respond in the moment.

Fawn often shows up as people-pleasing, saying yes when we mean no, or molding ourselves to avoid conflict.

These aren’t signs of being too much or too sensitive—they are signs that you have survived.

Relationships Can Feel Risky for Survivors

When your nervous system is used to chaos or hurt, even safe love can feel foreign. A kind partner might make you suspicious. Consistency might make you anxious. You might self-sabotage without meaning to, just to regain a sense of control. This is your trauma trying to predict the future, trying to protect you from hurt it remembers too well.

It’s important to know: you’re not reacting to the present—your body is reacting to the past.

Healing Isn’t About Perfection

Healing doesn’t mean never getting triggered. It means recognizing when you are. It means pausing and asking, “What am I feeling right now? What do I need?” It means learning to communicate gently with your partner, letting them know when you’re struggling, and choosing to stay—even when it’s uncomfortable.

Sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is not run, not shut down, not lash out. But simply stay and let love hold you through the hard moment.

What You Can Do

• Name your patterns. Awareness is the first step to breaking a cycle.

• Communicate, even if it’s messy. “I’m feeling overwhelmed. I think this is about something old. Can you hold space for me?” is powerful.

• Let your partner in. They don’t need to fix you, just understand you.

• Consider therapy. Trauma-informed therapy can help you gently explore where these patterns come from and how to shift them.

Love Deserves to Feel Safe

You deserve a love that doesn’t feel like a battlefield. A love where you’re not constantly bracing for something to go wrong. And that love is possible—not because you never get triggered again, but because you learn to love yourself through your triggers.

If this spoke to you, take a moment to place a hand on your heart and remind yourself: I am safe now. I am healing. I don’t have to survive love—I get to feel it.